by Nuriko Kun

Sometimes the people that we would most expect to love and accept us—those we’re connected to by blood or family line—can be the very people who cause us the most pain and suffering. We see pictures and hear stories on social media and the news of blissfully happy families and are faced with the realization that it may not be like that for us in our own families.

The scars of rejection and/or boundary trampling run deep and can affect our lives and our view of ourselves in massive unpleasant ways if we don’t deal with them. Studies have shown that whether it’s physical abuse or emotional abuse (such as lack of respect for personal boundaries, the silent treatment, constant criticism, unwillingness to let children become separate individual selves, etc.), the negative effects on a child’s brain are similar. And the word “child” means up to the age of eighteen. Whether you have been physically abused, emotionally abused, or both, you need to know that it’s not your fault. Being mistreated by the people who are supposed to love you and care for you does tremendous damage to a young person’s (or any person’s) psyche.

If you’re relating to any of this, please remember a few things:

Your worth does not depend on another person’s ability (or inability) to love you properly. Your worth comes from the fact that you were made by a loving Creator who sees great beauty in you. You are precious simply because you exist…because of who you are, not because of what you do or don’t do.


You do not have to earn anyone’s love. It can feel that way when you’ve been programmed to think that you have to jump through hoops to win people’s approval and love, but it’s not true. In fact, we could go so far as to say it’s a lie. Don’t waste your time and energy running after anyone. They may come around one day, but don’t sit and wait for it.

Try not to take it personally. That’s easier said than done, but your family members are likely broken people who don’t know how to love because someone in their lives behaved similarly toward them. The good news is: the cycle can end with you.

Even Jesus was rejected by his family. They questioned who he was and were offended at his claims and his authority to talk as he did. Some of them believed in him, but some didn’t see who he was at all. They felt threatened by him and even ridiculed him. So, in a way, if you’ve had that happen to you, you’re in good company.

Those who try to manipulate you do not have your best interests in mind. Don’t be fooled. Tune in to your intuition. People who truly care about you do not make you feel uneasy. Don’t allow yourself to be guilted into doing and saying things you don’t want to do and say for fear of meeting with someone’s disapproval. You shouldn’t need to win their approval to begin with.

There are people who love you and care about you. Sometimes we forget this because we are busy wanting our family of origin to love us. But if we change our focus and look around, we’re sure to find people who know how to love us and don’t play games with our emotions to meet their own unmet needs. Move towards those who emotionally support you, not those who drain you and cause you to lose focus.

The Wounded Squirrel by John Anster Fitzgerald

Sometimes family isn’t made up of people in your family of origin. A lot of times we feel safer, closer and more accepted by people who have no relation to us whatsoever. When you’ve had a rejecting encounter with your blood family, it’s important to get around those who treat you with dignity as soon as possible.

Consider talking with a counselor or therapist. It’s important to face the pain and work through stuff so we don’t stay stuck in patterns of thinking and behavior that may be left over from unhealed family wounds. It can be important not just for us, but for all the other relationships we will have. We don’t want our unhealed hurts to come out at people who never did us any harm. Chances are that those who don’t treat you right have never seen a counselor or therapist and have therefore never done their own inner work. The fruits of this are obvious. You can break that pattern.

No family is perfect. In all those photos you see on social media where everyone looks so happy, keep in mind, that’s just a snapshot. Everyone has their issues whether you hear about them or not.

You’re not alone. Look around and remember that oftentimes those in our lives who do know how to care for us are God with skin on. Underneath all our pain, there is a loving presence in the universe. You may not see it as God, but behind all the darkness, there is a force of love that calls to us and accepts us as we are. That loving presence will sustain you when all other sources of love are unavailable or gone. It is this presence that runs beneath every current of your life and accepts, rather than rejects, you. This is the presence that ever and always will call you “Beloved.”




WIN_20190919_21_11_24_Pro (2)

** Picture credits:
Nuriko Kun (top)
The Wounded Squirrel by John Aster Fitzgerald
Crown by Shabby Scraps


  1. Linh Tran says:

    Thanks for the post. It’s captivating. Whatever happened in the past, it already happened. There is nothing we could do to fix it unless we had time machine. Just leave those bad experiences behind the past and let it go. It means that those bad time cannot destroy the present and prevent you from living a good life now 🙂


  2. dray0308 says:

    Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
    Art of Life Coaching gives advice on dealing with family rejection…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. foguth says:

    We don’t get to choose our family, and I suspect that even many of the ones which seem ‘perfect’ have dysfunctional aspects.
    We do have one person to stand up for us and love us 24/7 – ourself. So, IMHO, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to become the person we want to be and love ourselves.


  4. Great pointers and I agree it’s our own family who has the capacity to hurt us most

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for this post. The more this problem is brought out into the open the more people will know about it.


  6. Karen Filler says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed to hear it, to reminded of these truths. I have been cruelly rejected by the brother I adored. My dad has Alzheimer’s, and my brother has financial power of attorney. Yesterday, he told me that he is selling Pop’s house, and he didn’t talk to me about it. He said he has a contract on it. He’s locked me out of our childhood home and refuses to let me help sort through Pop’s things. He said if I try to go inside he will have me arrested.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Karen, I am so glad that this has helped and encouraged you. I’m truly sorry to read of what is going on for you. How painful that must be. I hope & pray you have good support and friends around you who will lift you up and help you get through this. Please feel free to contact me any time or make an appointment for a call (first call is no charge). Wishing you peace and hope. Monique


  7. Stacie says:

    Thank you for this post. It is so crucial for people to realize that their value and worth does not depend on how another individual views them . I find it comforting to read scriptures regarding how God views me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Stacie, Thanks for your comment. I’ve only just now seen it. Yes, I’m with you. God’s view of us is the only one that truly counts and there are hundreds of reminders in scripture to keep us focused on the truth of who we are to him. Then other people’s approval or disapproval fades into the distance, eclipsed by God’s love.
      Blessings to you…


  8. Sheilah Ilahalwa says:

    Whew! This was worth reading. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Linda says:

    Hi i grew up all alone even when my family was around i was still all alone i hsve six children four of them wishes me dead two of them tolarate me i dont know why my husband who says he loves me ….i think its more a need than love any advice would be good thankssorry i dont have a email or web pages


  10. Kristine Schaeffer says:

    Excellent read and one that ministers to me greatly! Thank you for easing my mind!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Kristine, I’m so glad to hear that you find this helpful. Please know you are not alone. This has been my most read blog post which tells me there are a lot of people hurting over this out there. I’m glad to be of service and help if I can. Many blessings & much peace to you… Monique


  11. Linda s says:

    I am currently going through a lot that i feel like writing my family off my life because i have tried since i was young to be loved and accepted, my mother left me when i was 4 months old and never bothered to hear or look for me. My aunts took care of me but never cared about what happened to me, i was raped at the age of 13 and never told anyone because of whenever something happened we were reminded of how our mother left us and we were a burden. I thought i dealt with my past but only now its all starting to haunting me, i cry a lot and i feel like giving up on my dreams because i am struggling emotionally. This however has help me thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Linda, I’m sorry to hear of all you’ve been through. You must be a strong woman to still be with us on this planet. I hope you have had the help of a therapist or pastor or someone to walk with you through the dark valleys. Never give up. All of the trials we go through can be turned around to be a great blessing both to ourselves and others. Your life is deeply important. Always remember that. Blessings & love to you… Monique


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